The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness - research

I think it's because we try to do too much and we don't cut ourselves any slack for not doing all of these things perfectly.  We play all these roles of wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee, supervisor, CEO, community activist, volunteer, etc. 

We're the queens of multitasking, but the problem with multitasking is that your focus is too spread out.  Even though everything gets done, it's impossible for it all to be done well.  We're Superwomen, but even Superwoman burns the cookies every once in a while.

I just thought of something my dad told me about my grandmother, who had 11 children AND took care of elderly in-laws and a husband while working part-time in a lingere shop.  He said she'd get frazzled in the kitchen sometimes and would burn the chocolate pudding. He said that with 10 siblings all wrinkling their noses at the burnt pudding, he developed a taste for it.  I've even seen him scald it a bit on purpose….  ;) 

So even if you mess it up, chances are there's some oddball in your life that actually LIKES the burnt cookes or pudding.  :)

I think the only thing that is surprising is that these results are in fact surprising!

Granted, the study is in the U.S. and I only have my exposure to my family as a point of reference, as well as my friends who live / have lived there. But if I refer to other women in Western countries that I have been fortunate to live in, most definitely the attempt to fit with the working model of capitalist success is in fact foreign to the more rounded of the species, since so much of the emphasis in that model is one-dimensional.

Have you noticed it is the women who have to look great, wear heels, keep that home fire burning and still perform at an even higher standard when they get to the office? I'd actually say, men are supercomfortable and have for a very long time been able to relax in the comfortable knowledge that someone out there is taking care of things…

Of the males I know personally, that someone is usually their momma, their auntie, their sister, their P.A…. I could keep going.

It's not that women are not happy because of work; I suspect it is the futility and exhaustion from juggling too many roles and loads. It can't help much that they are doing it and trying not to complain because of ridicule from their male counterparts. [I speak from experience on this point.] Not feeling received or heard for sincere emotions and feelings is a sure way to bring any person down. And I think we know, women have LOTS to say!

I look forward to hearing some more perspectives on this subject.

Thank you, Terrill, for raising this. It is critical information at this time.

Yours sincerely, Sherrilene

One thing that I found interesting about the study is that it refers to men's increasing roles in the home as “helping out” or as “babysitting”.  Babysitting his own kids?  Helping out by cleaning up after himself or the family?  That implies that we're still being conditioned to think that care of offspring and housekeeping are “supposed to be” the sole responsibility of the woman. 

I personally do not have children, but I've observed the ways in which my friends struggle with the guilt they feel for being working mothers. 

First, there's the emotional distress of handing their children over to strangers during their formative years because the family is financially dependent on the mother's income (even in two-parent households).  There's also a certain amount of guilt at having to take time off from work if the kids get sick (and typically fathers do not do this).  And many bosses still give women a hard time about this, even though to do so is against the law.  There's just not enough time in the day to be a “really good mom” and a “really good employee.” 

Secondly, for girls who actually make more money and/or have a higher position than their spouses, it causes this weird kind of competition or resentment in the home.  Many men are still brought up to think they need to be the “breadwinner”, and it does something strange to them psychologically when they are not.  It changes the dynamics of a relationship in ways that I don't think most men are ever prepared for.  So then women end up feeling guilty for being successful because it harms HIS self-esteem.

This topic is very much on my mind today because this morning, I had a brief chat with a friend who I very much admire for her life-juggling abilities.  Typically, she appears to pull it all off with grace.  But lately the two scenarios I just laid out above have been really getting to her and she feels like she's about to snap.  She really wanted to take the day off and just kind of decompress, but even the thought of taking time for herself made her feel even more guilty.  She doesn't feel like she can ask for the time off from work, and she doesn't feel like she can ask her husband to take care of his own offspring for the evening.  It's such a catch-22.  She's draining her emotional reserves trying to be Superwoman. 

Oh and don't get me started on “looking good” in the workplace.  I work in information technology, and the guys I work with come to work in tennis shoes, jeans, and polo shirts.  But I, doing the same work, get funny looks for wearing jeans.  I wear dressy shoes, designer jeans, and blouses, so next to my co-workers, I look VERY dressed up.  But the fact that I seem to be expected to look better than the guys (and do it while making at least 15% less than they do) really irks me.  And if, god forbid, I forget the makeup, there are the endless comments like, “You look tired” and “Are you feeling okay?  You look a little pale.”

:)

lol Familiar Joey!! I'm reminded of another discussion recently about 'single mother envy' where it was said that there are married women who wish they were single mothers because of the 'trouble' of managing their marriage relationship. [Link here of the article…]

I have several comments on my FB page about that article…

The other point about image is tremendous! I think about how much effort I see most ladies put into their appearance and so often their male counterparts are literally slacking! But women genuinely feel they have to do this!

The radical that I am, and I think Terrill can relate, I have recently decided that I am not wearing clothes that are not super comfortable especially to work. Makeup optional if at all; the lowest maintenance hairstyle lol I haven't ironed a shirt in ages! This simple decision has made life A LOT more simple and I havent been kicked out of any places lol I actually think I get a more serious and respectful response, in truth.

I think life is quite challenging enough to add unnecessary image expectations to the pile!

Best, Sherrilene

Wow.  :)  That's pretty funny.  I read both the response AND the NY Times column that sparked it.  But she has a point.  Speaking as one who grew up AFTER the first wave of the feminist movement, I entered the workforce expecting to be treated equally.  So, yeah, I'm extremely dissatisfied to discover that I'm NOT, to see men who are incompetent promoted over women who could outperform them with their eyes closed, and to make 15% less than my male counterparts. 

That glass ceiling is still there.  They just tell little girls that it isn't.

I came along post-feminism, or at least when it was really swinging. I just observe actual and form conclusions as objectively as I can. And my objective conclusion is that the privileged out there dole out little drops of respect - usually in words  - but have no actual will to harmonise at all. And we keep playing the game of 'thank you thank you thank you so much for the little crumbs you throw!' Sighhh SC

thank you for posting Michelle's inspirational speech in UK!
with healthy women… one of those 'should be' statements…
I think I was growing during this whole movement… and it has taken a few turns here and there along the way. (baby boomer here but had child late)
I remember reading an article on one reason that women dont get the 'top' jobs, and I pondered it some… that they would find it boring…
to the women that want those high positions and the money, I say go for it!
I personally would not strive for it tho. Making sure my daughter had a good education was my number one priority. and I spent years in the public school system making sure she was not slipping thru the cracks…
education was my parents top priority as well…
interesting that more women are now receiving higher education, or are enrolled in, than men. wonder what the stats will read in another 10 yrs?
what happens to a society that loses its ability to educate the children & masses…
I think we all know that women have brains that do better with multitasking than men who are better at focusing on one thing… our brains work differently… so is it a wonder that females are more emotional and then might say they are less satisfied with life as they seem to be aware of and feel more, than the males? (this is a generality, not a 'fact')
females still have the majority of every day responsibilities…. no not all males, but many do not think about other things than what they need to… and am not going to go to some of the things they obsess on. ;)
I dont like sexism, and dont like inequality period. we all need to find our own happiness… but some of the research does little good when it gives stats without other choices or possibilities or solutions… we still need to sort thru all our own issues to find happiness. and to the next generation of young females, may they be the ones who find better solutions.
altho I just recalled hearing somewhere(no idea where at moment), that only in america do we think it is necessary to be happy…
I dont know if that is true… but why shouldn't all humans have the ability to find their own happiness?
just some thoughts as they ran thru my brain today…
peacelovelight.

In the midst of wisdom and knowledge, I am quiet and saying yes yes yes and you too feel that way?
Keep going…

Margo [Artist for Peace…], I think it's interesting that someone would say only in america do people think it is necessary to be happy. I think it's hilarioius! I dont know the profile of the person who expressed that but it would be interesting to know if they looked around… all around the world, and noticed how many people are just barely managing to make it from one day to the next without fears of one kind or the next hanging over them. Even the cash wealthy are scared as hell; for fear of losing their money, status etc.!

I would add that if happiness or at least higher emotions than just existence or apathy weren't worth having, why are there all of these 'escape' type, so-called recreational games out there, that people pay huge funds to have; I daresay invest in?! I am always amused when I hear how important it is to get the next Playstation or Ipod or whatever. Quite funny actually.

My personal thought [hehe If you dont know me, I always give them lol] is that we are so familiar and conditioned to settling for lesser than, that the idea of desiring just a touch more of enjoyment of life seems like a sin. Then we judge ourselves harshly for wanting that. What's funny is that the most simple pleasures are usually right at our fingertips as we all know.

I would move to agree with Margo as well about aspiring to high positions being an uninteresting place… just as being a trophy wife just doesn't cut it right now. For the former, with education, good attitude and focus it is doable. But the return on investment is not holistically attractive at present… especially in for-profit organisations that don't engage actively in contributing back meaningfully to their patrons…  It's just too complicated, too much politics, too much distrust, too many times. A simple home life is looking so much more appealing to this person right now.

I would consider having a trophy husband tho.

Peace, Sherrilene